My "What Was I Thinking?" Moment...

It was September 10^th when we arrived at Guatemala City International Airport.  My husband, Dan, my 4 year-old biological son, Grant, and I made our way outside the terminal only to find ourselves in the midst of hundreds of souls tightly packed together on the sidewalk.  Amidst the chaos, we finally spotted our hotel shuttle and managed to get to it under a slight rain.  We arrived at the hotel and with excitement and anticipation, spent our last evening as a family of three.

Dan was the first one to spot Dylan through the glass door of the hotel’s “baby room,” sitting on his foster mother’s lap.  We entered and the foster mother’s eyes got the shine of restrained tears as she placed Dylan in my arms.  We sat down, went through yet more paperwork, and then began to chat.  As I took frantic notes, we talked about detergent, bottles, nap time, feeding habits and other idiosyncrasies of our new son.  Time flew by and it was time to say good bye to the woman who had lovingly taken care of our baby the first 10 months of his life. 

Back in the room, the 4 of us played on the floor and realized that Dylan didn’t even know how to crawl.  Everything felt just so weird.  Dylan got restless.  “Dan get the bottles out of the suitcase.  There’s some formula in the bag the foster mother gave us.  Oh no! these diapers we brought are way too small.  Get some from the foster mother’s paper bag.  Gosh! All the clothes we brought are too small too.  Hey, how do you mix formula?  I forgot.  Get the electric kettle and boil water first.  How much formula?  Let’s give him like 8 ounces.  Grant, turn that TV down please!  I’m so hungry.  Mama, can we go to McDonald’s?  Let’s get room service.  Maybe we should give him some juice.  We don’t have any.  I think he is tired.  He might take a nap.  Should we get a crib?  Maybe if I walk him and rock him he’ll fall asleep.  Yeah…shh…he is falling asleep.  There, he is asleep.  Put some pillows around him.  I’ll go to the store to get some stuff.  It’s just around the corner.  I’m so tired.”

Evening came, and when Dylan realized that he was going to be spending the night with us, he started to cry uncontrollably, waving us bye, bye as he bawled.  “Pace him back and forth again.  That worked in the afternoon for his nap.  My back is killing me.  Hey, how about a warm bath?  Grant it’s time for you to go to sleep.  Say your prayers, “Thank you Lord for this day and for my new brother Dylan.”  Let’s give him a bath.  Where’s the baby soap?  I need a wash towel.  Where are the pajamas that fit?  Didn’t you get diapers at the store?”  As I let the water run in the tub, I looked at Dylan’s little body sitting in the warm water, so tiny, so helpless, so alone, so not my son. 

Dan stood by me watching the storm brewing in my soul, anticipating the first lightning bolt to hit, he asked me, “are you OK?”  With the echo of the running water in my ears, the shock of the last few hours, the stress of the last few months and the disappointments of the last few years came all together gushing out of my heart.  “Why did God choose us to have to do this?  Can you tell me why He didn’t give us another biological child created the good-old fashioned way?  Why does it always have to be so difficult for us?  What was I thinking?”  And so the ‘what-was-I-thinking’ face began. 

The feeling that I couldn’t give Dylan what he needed took a grip of my heart, and I was terrified.  Then, the Holy Spirit inspired Dan to tell me that he thought my feelings were only natural.  We had an emotional heart-to-heart right there on that bathroom floor in the middle of the night, at a Guatemala City hotel room, with our newly adopted son in the bathtub.  It was a strange conversation, but it was exactly what I needed at that moment.  The Holy Spirit spoke to me through Dan’s words in the middle of my breakdown, and I began to breathe again.  I got the assurance that when God calls, He enables and He provides whatever we need to complete the task He has assigned.

Today, several years from that frazzled day in Guatemala City, I can say that I am glad I said yes when the Lord called me to do this.  Dylan is my son.  Like the words in the poem “The Answer (To an Adopted Child),” he “didn’t grow below my heart, he grew inside of it.”  My heart aches when I look into his beautiful black eyes.  My cup surely overflows.  I know that it was God who placed him in my arms to love, to care for, to raise and to claim as my own.  

For Personal Meditation:  If you have already brought your adopted child home, think back on that very first day together.  Think about those first moments with your new child.  Think about it quietly and to yourself.  What was it like?

Bible Verse to Ponder:  "And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19