Of Bees and Birds and the Pictures above Dylan’s Bed

Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me.  Psalm 31: 3 NIV

It had been a long and hard week, so I was glad it was Friday.  Grant, Dylan and I were in the car, and all of the sudden the conversation between them took a turn dangerously close to the road of the birds and the bees (or is it the bees and the birds?).  Don’t ask me how, perhaps it was because we were headed to a birthday party for twins, but suddenly, the conversation between my two sons turned to how babies come out of their Mommies’ stomach and how the doctor cuts their bellies open to pull the babies out…gosh…

I cringed.  I looked at my hands on the wheel and my knuckles where white and my palms were sweaty.  But I kept quiet, that is, until I heard Grant telling Dylan how he hadn’t come out of Mama’s stomach.  I knew then I was soon going to have to join the “conversation.”

“Lord…” I thought, “Here we go, hold my hand.”  Dylan has never really showed much interest in his background other than noticing his skin tone being darker than most people around.  During Homecoming Day, he carefully goes through his “treasure chest” and intently examines the items that recount his story as an adopted son.  But he quickly looses interest and makes no comments other than lamenting not being able to fit into his baby Superman Halloween costume anymore. 

Above his bed, I hung a multi-photo picture frame with about 8 or 9 pictures of that morning on September 11, 2006 when Dylan was placed on my lap for the very first time at a hotel meeting room in Guatemala City.  The picture frame is very special to me because I purchased it with a gift of money our dear friend Diana gave to us when Dylan first came home.  Back then, I decided I needed to invest that gift on something meaningful, and that picture frame has hung above Dylan’s bed ever since.  However, I always found it curious that Dylan had never made any mention of the photos in it.  I thought it was, maybe, because the item is so familiar to him that he doesn’t even know it is there…who knows, but he had never said anything about them, until now, that is.

Back in the car, when Dylan heard Grant saying that he had not come out of my belly, he began attempting to formulate a coherent thought to explain that fact.  I know he was confused because he struggled to find the words.  I can’t even tell you what he actually said, but I knew then I had to break my silence.  I said, “You know?  Some children in some families didn’t come out of their Mother’s belly.  They came out of another woman’s belly.”  Then, I searched in my brain database for other kids he knows who are adopted.  Praise the Lord there is a significant amount of adopted kids who attend his school.  So, I began to mention name after name of different children at NCCA whom he’d know and are, indeed adopted.  The Holy Spirit made my speech come out very natural.  He gave such calmness to my voice that I almost didn’t recognize it!  As I heard myself peak, my own nervousness subsided.  We talked about how families are different, and Grant even brought in facts about families with step-children and step-parents.  Then, Dylan surprised me when he commented, “I’ve seen it on the pictures above my bed.”  I turned my head and I saw him deep in thought.  He then continued, “I was sitting on your lap.  I came out of you lap.  And I was waving good bye to you because I wanted to stay with my other Mommy, but now I don’t.”

He had not only seen the pictures, but he had listened to Dan when he told him a long time ago how, on his first day with us, he had cried and cried for hours and waved good bye to us repeatedly all throughout that first night.  He had put it all together in his young mind, and I was astonished. 

Later that night I told Dan about it and he was just as perplexed as I was.  Dylan is processing the reality of how he became our son even without us realizing it.  The Lord is guiding him through the process of understanding, and He is lovingly leading him through the intricacies of adoption.  Surely Dylan can one day certainly proclaim, It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. (2 Samuel 22:33)

We finally arrived at the birthday party.  The parents of the twin birthday girls, who are in Dylan’s class, graciously allowed Grant to stay since it was at the Olympic Fun Center and Grant was dying to stay.  I welcomed the prospect of having the next 2 hours to myself, so I kissed them good bye and left them there.  I climbed back in my car and began digesting what had just happened.  Maneuvering through the adoption road is difficult, but since the Lord is our Rock and Fortress, He will guide us and lead us for the sake of His name. (2 Samuel 22:2)  My little boy is been guided by our Lord and I trust that’s the best alternative for Dylan to find his way.

In a Little While

Dylan doesn’t like to see me leave the house.  He’s always been the one to start crying and begging for me to stay every time he sees any movement that signals me leaving for an errand.  “Please, Mama, stay.  Don’t go!”  Dylan’s words are always met with my standard reply, “Don’t worry; I’ll be back in a little while.”  However, he usually counters with, “Can I come with you?”  To which I respond, “No, you can’t.  It won’t take long.  I’ll be back soon.  You’ll be fine.  I’ll be back in a little while.”  Now, as he struggles to comprehend the concept of time, he is adding to his repertoire the question, “but, what is a little while?”  I haven’t really come up with a good answer for that yet.  Often I just say things like, “a little while is kind of like 2 or 3 episodes of…The Wonder Pets or The Backyardigans?!” (or any other TV show that he enjoys watching)  This is not a very satisfactory answer or explanation for what “a little while” might mean, but at least it keeps him occupied on trying to figure out how long does one episode of his favorite show feels like.  This distraction gives me a few seconds to escape out the door unnoticed.

This common occurrence at my house makes me think of John chapter 16.  In it, Jesus is talking to His disciples about the trials that they will soon begin to go through  Our Lord explains to His beloved friends how He needs to go away so the Spirit of Truth would come to them as their personal compass for the life to come.  Jesus then says to them, “In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me.” (John 16:16)  To this, the disciples wonder among themselves, “What does he mean by ‘a little while’? We don’t understand what he is saying.” (John 16:18)  They were nervous about the prospect of not having Jesus with them anymore.  It didn’t matter if it was supposed to be just for a “little while.”  The disciples became anxious just thinking about Jesus not being there with them.  Like us, we crave His presence more than anything.  Life’s hardship is bearable only if we perceive His presence going before us.  No wonder the disciples were worried. 
Jesus then proceeded to reassure His followers by telling them what to expect in the near future and of the limitless joy they would experience after their trials because they have believed that He came from the Father, and how the Father would give them anything they ask in Jesus’ name.  Jesus then wrapped it up by saying to His friends, those whom He had chosen, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)
He has overcome the world and He is our peace.  That sense of stability and serenity doesn’t derive from our circumstances.  Peace is the person of Jesus Christ; and by giving us His Holy Spirit, He gives us His peace.  He had to leave so we would be able to have Him within us always.  It is one of the many Biblical paradoxes that twist the brain in nuts of mystery which will only be deciphered when we meet Him face to face some day.  In the meantime, we rest assured in His faithfulness and in His truth.  We keep busy while we wait; and we delight in His peace.  For now, even though, just like Dylan, we can’t fully grasp the meaning of God’s time; we rest on His promise that He’ll be back in “a little while.”

Let Your "Little Light" Shine

“OK, Grant.  What’s this business about 4^th graders being mean to each other?”  I asked my older son after he came back from school the day I got an e-mail from the principal addressing this situation.  The conversation went something like this:  “Are you involved in it in any way?”  “No.”  “Have you been mean to anybody?”  “No.”  “Has anybody been mean to you?”  “No.”  “Have you seen it happening?”  “No.  I’m not involved in it,” he said sounding annoyed, and hoping I’d leave him alone.  But I didn’t. 

“If you say you are not involved, I believe you because I trust you.  I just want to make sure I understand the situation.”  I reassured him, and pressed again, “…but have you been there when it has happened to someone else?”  “No…well…once.”  “When?  What happened?”  “Well, I heard when a kid called another kid ‘cheese’…”  “???...OK…  Is that it?”  “Yes…” he said unconvincingly, which prompted me to press him some more, and then lecture him on how as a Christian he has the responsibility to witness to the truth.  Of course he had no clue what I was talking about, to which I responded with more theology that went WAY over his 9 year old head.  I was afraid I was not reaching him at all. 

“Remember the golden rule?”  “Yes.”  “What is it?”  “Do unto others as you’d like it to be done unto you…”  “Give me an example.”  I thought that now he was going to say something profoundly relevant to this case like “well, if I don’t want people to be mean to me I should not be mean to them!”  But instead he said, “…an example…it means…well…that if you hit someone, he’ll hit you back.”  I sighed and reiterated the golden rule in less King-James-like words.  Then, I asked him again for another example, only to hear the same kind of idea one more time.  I don’t know about you, but in my mind, that line of thinking is more “eye for an eye,” type of rule.  And that’s not what Jesus taught.   

I was not getting to him.  I was out of words and clever thoughts.  I had nothing left.  I relinquished to the Holy Spirit and He moved me to grab my son by the shoulders and say, as a final attempt, “listen, I don’t care what the other kids do.  If they don’t have the Light in them and they do the wrong thing, that’s between them and God; but you have the Light; and you have to let it shine!”  I turned and began to walk away, but somehow, with the very corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of Grant’s face, and on it, there was the hint of something clicking.  I stopped in my tracks, turned around to face him again and said, “yes, that’s what it means to let your little light shine.”  I looked him straight into his eyes for an instant, and walked away to let his young brain process his thoughts on his own. 

I look back on that incident now and marvel at the power of the Holy Spirit.  He speaks to us in Scripture, in nature, in old familiar children songs.  It really doesn’t matter; He can use it all to get to us, if we let Him.  Once I let Him take over, He moved me to use something my young son would understand and then He moved me to give him the space he needed to let the thoughts sink in.  May we tune into the Holy Spirit so we can see truth clearly revealed.

Scripture to Ponder:  I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness.  John 12:46

I Did It!

I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me faithful, appointing me to his service.  1 Timothy 1:12

“Mama, I did it!  I did it all by myself!  Look!”  This was Dylan’s proud announcement the first time he was able to tie his shoes all by himself a few days ago.  Bright-eyed, ear-to-ear smile on his little face, Dylan’s sense of accomplishment was great that day.  Coincidentally, later that same day, when Grant heard me coming in the house after an evening meeting at church, he got out of his bed to greet me with a similar announcement, “we did it Mama!  We finished it!”  “You did!?  That is so totally cool!  Thank you guys!  So you helped out?”  “Yes, I helped putting it together!”  I could see the sparks in Grant’s eyes even in the middle of the dark hallway as he related the story of him having a big part in the assembling of a new gigantic shelf we had just gotten that afternoon.  Once again, I felt the pride and sense of accomplishment that filled my dear boy’s precious heart. 

“I did it,” three words that evoke the implication of a job well done.  When said in the right context, you can almost see the person taking a few steps back to contemplate his or her accomplishment, his or her masterpiece.  The words ring like an anthem to productive work.  They bring images of an artist’s finishing strokes on a work of art. 

The phrase also echoes another set of words that summarize the totality of the greatest accomplishment ever, - “it is finished,” - the last words out of the mouth of our Savior before he bowed His Holy head and exhaled his breath of life on earth for the last time.  “It is finished,” the words that say that Jesus paid it all, and that all to Him we owe.  “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End,” the words of a Risen Lord in all His Divinity, not the Suffering Servant, but the Almighty of Revelation 21:6.  It is all done by Him; and all that it is left for us to do is to accept it.

On the same token, by His mighty power we are able to accomplish what He commissions us to do here on earth.  Sometimes we feel as if our weaknesses could keep us from performing our task; but that is the deceit of the enemy.  At that moment of near defeat, we must remember that the enemy would try anything to keep us from our Kingdom work.  And that our only defense is a pure heart that lives according to His Word, Psalm 119:9. A pure heart that recognizes that it is nothing without Him, but that in Him there is victory.  A pure heart that knows that, "[His] grace is sufficient for [us], for [His] power is made perfect in weakness," (2 Corinthians 12:9). 

It is through Him and in Him that we can do all things, (Philippians 4:13).  He empowers us with His glorious might so that we may have great endurance, (Colossians 1:11).  It is through His Holy Spirit who dwells in our inner beings that we will be strengthened to do the work that He has appointed for us.

I cling to that divine strength with all I’ve got, since great is my weakness.  I cling to His grace and power with legs, arms and teeth, for otherwise I sink.  Day in and day out I trust Him with my life and my beloved.  Day in and day out I step out of my office, and as I walk to my classes, I send to Him my desperate plea, “Lord, I’ve got nothing.  I fully rely on You for this.  Give me what I need to do my job and honor You.”  Day in and day out I see my sons off to school in the morning and I plea with the Lord, “please be with them, for I cannot protect them.  Please be the guardian of their innocence, purity and integrity, for they are all beyond my power to guard.”  Day in and day out, as I see my husband’s faithfulness in display in everything he does, I plea with the Lord to keep him safe and healthy.  Day in and day out I lift my eyes to the Heavens and pray that The Lord, My Savior will turn His ear to my cry, for He promised that all I need is Him; and that He has done it all for me. 

Grant and Dylan went to bed that night feeling good about themselves.  Their self-esteems got a big boost that day, that’s for sure.  I pray they remember that whatever talents they may have, were given to them by the Most High God for them to use for His purpose, not their own.  I pray that they are aware of the power of the Holy Spirit in them and how that power is given to God’s children for the furthering of His Kingdom.  I pray they realize that His Grace is what sustains them and maintains them.  I pray they discover that it is through Him and in Him that they can do all things.  I pray we all get to hear one day the voice of our Lord saying, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

God-Moments at Unlikely Times

A couple of nights ago, after we had just put our Dylan to bed, I immediately immersed myself in my web-browsing-evening-routine.  The excursion was a brief one; however, since not a full minute later, Dylan came out of his bedroom and started calling me to go to his room to “see something.”  I’m pleading with him to just go to bed or even just tell me what it was. “Use your words,” I told him, hoping I didn’t have to get up and “go see.”  He wouldn’t have any of it.  So, reluctantly, I got up, grunting all the way there,  hands on my hips, I stood in his doorway waiting to “see,” only to hear him say, “see mama, that’s the song…that’s your favorite song that we hear in your radio, in the car, you and me!  Remember? See?”  Of course I could “see” it.  It was indeed one of my favorite songs playing on the radio, which we leave on tuned-in to the Christian radio station in his room every night while he falls as sleep.  At that moment I realized I had just had a God moment.  Needless to say, I felt terribly guilty for thinking my boy was being just a pest.  I thanked him for “showing” me, tucked him back in bed and as I walked away from his room, I could hear him trying to sing along to the tune of “You love me anyway, O how you love me.” 

God had used my little persistent boy to touch me when I least expected it.  I was not going through any particularly spiritual moment at the time.  All I was seeking was to sit, chill and relax in front of my favorite news blogs, check my e-mail and maybe jump into tweeter too.  Nothing grandiose or illuminating, I was just looking forward to some down time.  His timing is not my timing, but His timing surely is perfect.  When He wants our attention, He uses all sorts of things and situations.  He catches our eye and makes us focus on Him at whatever time is convenient for Him; and He does it in a way that we have no choice but to look at Him and listen to what He has to say.  All we have to do is leaf through Scripture and we find example after example of people whose attention centered on God after He came knocking at the most extraordinary moments and places. 

He called on middle aged shepherds.  Remember Moses?  He was tending his father-in-law’s flock when, there!  A burning bush calling out his name!  How about Jonah?  God sure caught his attention alright!  Jonah refused to do the will of God and God put him in a “time-out” so he’d have plenty of uninterrupted time to think about what he needed to do. 

In other passages we see our Lord inviting Himself over to the house of short-little tax collectors for an unexpected dinner party.  “Zacchaeus, you come down!”  Other times He used the least ideal of circumstances to reveal the most astounding truth.  For instance, I don’t think John went to the island of Patmos looking for a beach resort and some quiet time to write a book. 

God revealed Himself to the people in the Bible in astonishing ways and at unbelievable locations, precisely because He knows that the unexpected always catches our attention.  And He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow, which means, He still does! 

He can and does use anything and anybody to speak to us.  The amazing thing is that when He calls, there is not much more for us to do than to listen.  Even in the middle of our hectic and crazy lives, He always finds a way to catch our attention, and it is always for a good reason.  Can we recognize Him in the unexpected?  Can we “see” Him calling?  I bet we can!

 The LORD came and stood there, calling as at the other times, "Samuel! Samuel!" Then Samuel said, "Speak, for your servant is listening."  1 Samuel 3: 10

Why Can't You See It?

Hear this, you foolish and senseless people,
   who have eyes but do not see,
   who have ears but do not hear:
Should you not fear me?” declares the LORD.
   “Should you not tremble in my presence?  Jeremiah 5:21-22a

“Dylan, can you sound out this word right here?”  The word I was pointing at on the worksheet read pink, and for homework, I was supposed to help him recognize as many “color words” as possible to practice his pre-reading skills.  Dylan looked at the word and with hesitation he sounded it out, making all the right sounds for each letter: “ppp, i, nnn, k.”  “Great!  Now, what color is it?”  I asked filled with joy and anticipation.  “Brown…” Dylan said.  Excitement could be so short lived…

“OK, sound it out again.”  “Ppp, iii, nnn, k.”  “What color is it?”  “Bbbrown?” He said again.  “Do you see any “b” in that word?”  “No.”  He said after examining the word on the paper.  “Then, could it possibly say brown in there without any “bs”?  “No…”  “Then, why did you say brown?”  “I don’t know?”  “Let’s try this again.”  And the next try turned into 15 other tries of more of the same until I gave up in fury and walked away screaming, “why can’t you see it?” 

Steam was coming out of my ears and nose.  Anger was seeping out of every pore.   I walked away and asked Grant to help him before I rupture a vein in my head.  Why can’t he see it?  It is so clear!  Doesn’t he realize that he is saying it?  How come he can’t put the whole picture together?  A great sense of helplessness came over me as I let myself sink in defeat. 

I hit rock bottom deep into my ocean of failure, then I realized that as Christians, sometimes we do just the same.  The reality of Christ is right there in front of us, in plain sight, and we still cannot see it.  We sort of see parts of it, but we fail to see the whole picture.  We can sense it, but we can’t understand it.  We just can’t grasp the truth in what we speak, or read, or see.  And no matter how hard we try, we won’t be able to really see God’s truth and His reality in us, until He dwells in us.  We need the Light so we can see.  Darkness has overcome this world and has blinded too many.  Only Light defeats darkness.  Only the light of Jesus can make darkness flee, so we can finally and clearly see Him standing right in front of us, as our Guide, our Defender, our Redeemer, The Almighty.

Eventually, Dylan will learn how to read, guided by his loving teacher at his school (not by his short-tempered Mother at home), and we’ll all have a good laugh as we remember how out of her mind Mama used to get while trying to help him figure out words.  Eventually, guided by the power of the Holy Spirit and the light of Jesus, we’ll be able to discern the truth of Christ in our lives; and we’ll all tremble at His presence, and wonder how could we have been so foolish that we couldn’t see what was right in front of us.

Scripture to Ponder:  "...the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it." John 1:5

Let's Go Back to the Well

Another Valentine Day is approaching very fast.  This is not one of my favorite holidays.  It is nothing but work for me.  I have 3 dozen treat bags to make for my boys’ party, and my back and wallet ache!  I’ve been listening to a lot of commentaries and programs on the radio about how to rekindle the flame of your love, how to reconnect with your spouse, how to love and respect one another, how to make time for each other, etc, etc, etc., and frankly, I am tired of it.  Hearing all these “tips” and well-intentioned advice only stresses me out. 

Dan and I don’t even celebrate this day.  We stopped making a big deal out of Valentine’s like 20 years ago, when we discovered that, for some reason, no matter what we did, the day always turned out rotten.  And this was when we were still dating!  So one year we said, enough!  No more Valentine’s.  So hearing about the flowers and the chocolate gives me heartburn.

Today, however, among all the chatter about Valentine’s I heard someone on the radio talking about the story of Jesus and the woman at the well.  This story of hope is found in John 4.  The person on the radio said that he believes that sometimes, when we go through a dessert in our faith walk, we need to go back to the well and have Jesus replenish us with His living water.  He is the only One who can quench our thirst during those dry seasons in our lives. 

When I came home, and finally found a minute to myself, I read the passage.  I drank it, rather.  I was very moved by verse 6 where it says that Jesus was tired and He sat down by the well.  I found so much comfort as I imagined the scene.  A long journey in the scorching dessert sun, feet hurting, back aching, our Lord and King, the Creator of the Universe, needed to sit down and rest.  In His full humanity, Jesus experienced what I experience every day after a long and grueling day.  He too knows what it means to be tired.  He too needed to get off His holy feet and rest.  What an amazing image that is.  Our Lord, fully God and fully man, is able to identify with us and us with Him, even in the most mundane of events.

The Samaritan woman approaches our Lord with her empty jar to fill it up at the well.  He asks her for a drink.  She belongs to a group of people who doesn’t associate with Jews.  Jesus couldn’t care less.  He breaks all the rules and speaks to her.  And not only does He talk to her, but He asks her for water.  The purpose of the encounter is to change that Samaritan woman’s life and the lives of all who are to read this passage through the centuries. 

“Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, ¹⁴ but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”  John 4:13 

The woman at the well had no idea that she was going to draw living water so she would thirst no more.  When I think of her I imagine she was tired too.  Only, she was tired of her life.  She had no husband.  She had a collection of lovers and a hard life of sin.  She was tired.  She needed water.  She was running on empty.  Her life had not turned out the way she imagined it as a little girl.  Her dreams of lemon drops and cotton candy clouds dissipated as she grew up and reality became harsh.  She was tired.  But God had reserved a precious gift for her that day, - an unexpected gift, - a gift of grace.  The encounter with the Living Water would change her life and renew her.  Not only would her jar get filled up that day.  Her life would too overflow with the perfect water that only Jesus can offer.

I see a bit of that woman in me today.  Exhausted, spent, tired and thirsty.  I’m running on empty.  My jar needs refilled.  It is time for me to go back to the well and let the Living Water pour down on me and in me. 

There’s no way I can love others if I don’t allow My Jesus to love me first.  That’s the only reason we love, precisely because He first loved us.  (1 John 4:19).  By coming back to Him, He will fill me up to the brim with His love so I can pour that love into those around me.  Let’s go back to the well, today. 

As I fill up the last treat bag and curl the last ribbon for my boys Valentine’s party tomorrow I think of them, so young and full of wonder about the holiday, (they want to keep eating the candy!).  I decide I’m not going to ruin it for them with my cynicism about the celebration.  I put on a smile and talk about how much fun the party will be.  I let some of the freshly refilled Living Water in my soul spill over into my sons’ hearts as I wish they have a happy Valentine’s Day!  

Scripture to Ponder:  The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.” John 4:15

Out of the Mouths of Babes

“…I have summoned you by name; you are mine.” Isaiah 43:1b

I had just finished yelling at my two boys about not having said grace before starting to eat their dinners (yes, I know...), when Daddy came home from work.  Since he did hear some of the rigmarole (one of my Mother in Law’s favorite expressions, which I am still not sure what it means, but I’ll use it here anyway, since it sounds like it’d fit…) he asked Dylan if he knew who he was praying to when saying grace, just to make sure…because with Dylan, we never know.  To Daddy’s question, Dylan quickly replied, “to God.”  As we both nodded and smiled, we heard him add:  “Daddy, you know?  In the Bible, God is very special.”  I heard Dan agreeing with Dylan and telling him that God thinks he was special too because He made him and loves him.  To this, Dylan muttered something about Jesus that nobody could understand, and got back to his dinner. 

At the kitchen sink, I looked back at my little boy and thought to myself, “you sure are special, alright…”  Later, as I was remembering Dylan’s words, I remember something I’ve heard Beth Moore say a while ago.  She said that “God never overlooks one single ‘me’ in the bigger ‘we’.”  The Most High God, The Creator of the heavens and the earth, and of the universe, and of everything else, cares so much about each one of His children regardless of his condition, not overlook any single one of them in an ocean of souls.  The thought took my breath away.  He cares about little Dylan, and Grant, and Dan…and me too.  What makes us so special that He knows our names and calls us His own?  What makes me so special?

The truth is that I formulated the question backwards.  It is not I who is special.  It is so clear in the Bible that even a six year old can see it, feel it, understand it and articulate it.  It is Him.  It is God who is special.  He is The Righteous One, and because we are not, He became flesh in the person of Jesus Christ to die for us and thus allow us to be righteous in Him.  He took our sin and gave us His righteousness; so we would be special because He is special.  And once we belong to Him, He doesn’t overlook us as individuals.  He is the God Who Sees, and He does see each and every one of His children. 

I pray that as Dylan grows up and continues to learn more about Jesus and Scripture, he, and all of us as well, would see how truly “special” Our Lord really is, as well as how special we are in Him.

Scripture to Ponder:  "Do you hear what these children are saying?" they asked him. "Yes," replied Jesus, "have you never read, "'From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise'?"

He Is the Source of True Hope

In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind.

(Job 12:10 NIV)

The book of Job is not necessarily one of those books of the Bible that I turn to when I am looking for something to cheer me up; neither I associate it with words like happiness or rejoicing.    I tend to associate Job more with words like resignation, obedience, hardship, suffering, loss, acceptance and sadness.  However, if I pay attention, all of these words imply a state in which the soil of our soul becomes prepped and ready to receive the Good News of His Word.  So if I stick with it, and don’t get discouraged by Job’s hardship, this book does provide a source of hope, true hope. 

Hardship, loss, suffering, sadness, and all those states of being that don’t sound or feel very pleasant; God can use to do the work of a plow in the field,- to break it-.  Like the blades on this divine plow, difficult, and often almost unbearable circumstances break us and turn us like the hardened earth on the field that is our soul.  They prepare us to receive the seed that is His Word so the Holy Spirit can create a fertile garden in our hearts where His fruits can grow.

Thus, I do find hope in the book of Job.  I find the hope of the realization that it is by Him, through Him and because of Him that I have the breath of life.  Job reminds me that “The Spirit of God has made me; the breath of the Almighty gives me life.” (Job 33:4) Nothing can change that truth.  No difficulty or hardship can change the fact that He sustains me as He lives in me.  And as long as I remain in Him, I will have true hope, for He is the only source of it.  Only those who break away from His vine are hopeless, “For what hope has the godless when he is cut off, when God takes away his life.”  (Job 27:8)

As my heart is filled with earthly concerns about my Father, my sons, my marriage, my work and my country, I find hope today in the words of Job because he reminds me that the hand of the Almighty is the life of every creature, and that His Divine Breath is the breath of all mankind.  Our Lord has a purpose for suffering and it is to develop perseverance of the saints, as Paul told us in Romans 5: 3-4, “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”  And that hope that comes out of suffering and perseverance is true hope.  It is the hope that endures and protects the soul of the believer from falling into the pit of darkness and desolation.  

He, who is hope Himself, will lead us to hope, even if in the most unlikely places.  For as long as we have life, His breath will remain in our nostrils. (Job 27:3) 

But he knows the way that I take;

when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.

My feet have closely followed his steps;

I have kept to his way without turning aside.

I have not departed from the commands of his lips;

I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread.  Job 23: 10-12

We Are Engraved On the Palms of His Hands

^“16 See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;” Isaiah 49:16

I have a confession to make.  I am a natural born worrier.  I worry about everything and anything, but particularly about my two sons.  For the last few days, I have been going through an intense season of concern for my older boy.  I surrendered him and all that troubles me about him to the One and Only who can carry such a heavy burden, only to pick it back up again after a little while.  Today, however, I feel the Holy Spirit saying to me, “you of little faith.” (Matthew 6:30)  I feel the weight of Scripture on my soul.  I sense the question “why don’t you trust me when I say “do not worry about anything”?  Therefore, today I resolve to renew my trust in Him and in all His promises for they are true!  As surely as He lives, He is Faithful.  He tells me that He has a plan for my son regardless of his bad choices and tendencies, and that such plan is perfect!  It’s a plan that will prosper my child rather than harm him.  It’s a plan that will bring him a future and hope. (Jeremiah 29:1)

Today, I resolve to trust my Lord and my God for I know He calls my son His own, and as one of His own, The Lord will never let him go outside the reach of His arm.  He will not let my son go.  He can’t let him go because He has him, as well as all of His children, engraved on the palm of His hands.  The Creator of the universe has “indelibly imprinted (tattooed a picture of)” us on His hands, both of them!  (Isaiah 49:16 – Amplified Version) We are on His hands, a place of quick access, a glance away, never far, always within sight, and permanently imprinted, as if by hot iron, never to be forgotten. 

Because of this truth, He will call us when we lose our way.  He has no choice.  We belong to Him, just like He told us at the end of Isaiah 43:1, “I have summoned you by name; you are mine.”   He cannot let go of us more than He could let go of His own hands.  This is what Jesus explains through his precious parables regarding those who, though part of His flock, one day step out of the path and wander away.  The Good Shepherd leaves the 99 behind to go searching for the one who lost his way.  He does not tire and does not stop until He finds him; and once He does, He celebrates! 

¹¹ “‘For this is what the Sovereign LORD says: I myself will search for my sheep and look after them. ¹² As a shepherd looks after his scattered flock when he is with them, so will I look after my sheep. I will rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on a day of clouds and darkness.”  Ezekiel 34:11-12 

He searches for us and He calls us, especially when we have lost our way.  He searches and He calls and He rescues us from the dark places where we’ve been.  He gathers us together again, after we’ve been scattered.  He calls us in many ways.  Sometimes, when we’ve only stepped out of the path for an instant, distracted by the busyness and stress of our routines; we hear the gentle whisper of His calling in the midst of our daily lives.  Sometimes He uses the voices of those who surround us to catch our attention.  Other times, when we have allowed the world to entrap us in its web of deceit, the Lord has to raise His voice so we can hear Him amidst all the other voices that call out our names.  Raising His voice might involve the need for Him to put us in a situation in which He has our undivided attention, like that young Jewish son who, after squandering his inheritance, ended up among the pigs.  Sometimes we too, after immersing ourselves in the ways of the world for too long, end up tending the swine.  We might end up tending the pigs in a jail cell out of state, or in an empty house, or in a shelter, or in the streets, or in a lonely bed at a hospital far from home.  However, our stay with the “pigs” last only for as long as it takes for us to recognize Our Father calling out our name.  The despair ends as soon as we hear His voice. 

He does whatever it takes in order to draw us back to Him, for the reality is that once we belong to Him; we are never farther away than the length of His arm.  Regardless of the wrong turns my son might take while walking on this earth, he won’t be able to escape the Lord for His grace is irresistible. 

Even if it might seem we wander light years away from Him, it is only from our limited perspectives.  From where He stands, He has only to look at the palm of His hands to see our faces.  And once He sees us, He runs to us, puts a ring in our finger, gives us His robe and orders a big celebration for all to rejoice in our homecoming.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 

Philippians 4:6

A Journey to Surrender IV

Waiting Upon The Lord

I realize that not all stories have a happy ending.  It is not how life works, right?  Happy endings are just for fairy tales and cheesy romantic comedies.  Real life is hard and often sad.  Yes, I admit that I am a bit of a pessimist.  Negativism is usually the default mode of my thought process.  Having Christ in my life, however, means that I have the Holy Spirit dwelling in me; therefore, His fruits should be evident, and one of His fruits is joy.  How do I reconcile my pessimistic views with the fact that I am the vessel of the Holy Spirit, hence I am supposed to be joyful?  I think the answer might have something to do with waiting.

One tiny problem…I am not a patient person either.  I don’t like waiting.  The Lord, however, has taught me that there isn’t much in life worth having which comes to us quickly.  Most of what is Godly takes time.  Waiting is then, an inevitable part of life.  The farmer carefully waits for the harvest.  The mother-to-be lovingly waits for the baby to be ready to be born.  The Father watchfully waits for his son to become a man.  The old man who has lived a Godly life calmly waits for his Lord to call him home.

King David expressed the two concepts beautifully in Psalm 40:1, I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry.  There you have them, the ingredients to finding joy in a world that at times seems and feels so grim, gloomy, sad and hopeless.  For a person like me, however, “waiting patiently” suggests an impossible dream.  I can’t “wait patiently.”  I don’t know how!  I’m incapable of exercising such discipline.  (I told you, happy endings are for the birds!)

I am incapable if I lean on my own power to accomplish it.  “Waiting patiently for the LORD” would be out of the realm of what is possible for me if I count only on my own strength and forget about the Holy Spirit who is precisely the One supposed to produce the fruit of patience in me.

The proof is in the fact that even though I am incapable of “waiting patiently,” I’ve done it.  I’ve done it many times!  Throughout my life I’ve “waited patiently” for the Lord to speak to me in regards to issues of great importance to me personally.  Granted, His version of “waiting patiently” for me might look a bit different from His version of the same action for normal people : ).  But I have waited in Him and for Him.  I “waited patiently” for Him to deliver me from my bondage to materialism.  I “waited patiently” for Him to put me in the right place to meet the love of my life (side-note here, I never really dated until I was in my early 20s so the waiting period here was rather long : )  I “waited patiently” for Him to guide me to a career that I love.  I “waited patiently” for Him to make me a biological mother.  I “waited patiently” for Him to give me an adopted son.  And I continue to “wait patiently” for Him to act on several concerns of my heart today, still.
The only reason people like me could do all these waiting is because we “can do EVERYTHING in Christ who gives us strength.”  (Philippians 4:13)  Not just some things, we can do everything in Him, including “waiting patiently.”

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. (Psalm 130:5)

We have work to do while we wait, though.  While we wait, we put our hope in His Word, we trust that all His promises are true, and we serve Him and His beloved.

We put our hope in Him and His Word, for He promised that
…those who hope in the LORD
   will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
   they will run and not grow weary,
   they will walk and not be faint.  (Isaiah 40:31)

We put our hope in Him and His Word and we serve Him, for He said,
"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Matthew 28: 19-20)

We put our hope in Him and His Word and we serve His beloved, for He said,
"Therefore as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers" (Galatians 6:10).

We put our hope in Him and His Word, wait patiently in Him and for Him, and keep our eyes upon Jesus and our hands working for His Kingdom for He said,
“…seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”  (Matthew 6:33)

The task is not easy.  Personally, I know I will fall back on my old ways from time to time for I am a sinner; but I also know that I am forgiven, and the Holy Spirit dwells in me.  I can call upon Him for strength anytime I feel faint, and His power will be made perfect in my weakness.

He said that He will listen to me, and that I will find Him when I seek Him.  Like Psalm 27:13-14 says:  “I am still confident of this:  I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”  While we wait for Him, He is not inactive.  He is always working things out together for the good of those who love Him.  So will I also not be idle while I wait.  I will serve Him and His beloved while I wait.  I will trust Him while I wait.  I will put my hope in Him.  And I will rely on the power of the Holy Spirit who lives in me to help me achieve unimaginable joy.  He will help me wait patiently for my happy ending.

Scripture to ponder:  Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.  Psalm 27:14

A Journey to Surrender III

My Moment with God

Before the FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) process began, I experienced a moment with God.  I was driving back home from some errands, and something moved me to begin a chat with my Lord.  I said something like, “Lord, it is in your hands, whatever the result is, I will be OK because your will must be done…I want to have a child more than I want anything else in the entire world…but I’m going to trust your will…as far as adopting a child…I promise I will do whatever it is in my hands to adopt a child even if I do get pregnant and have a biological child…I promise I will do all I can to pursue adoption no matter what.”  And that was it.   That was the moment when my faith walk finally turned the corner toward the narrow gate that leads to the straight path.  (Matthew 7:13)

As it happened, Dan had had his own moment with the Lord also.  Perhaps someday he’ll elaborate on it.  But the truth is that the day of the procedure, we drove our old, beat up white Nissan Altima to the infertility clinic, found a spot in the parking lot, and before we climbed out, we held hands and prayed.  I don’t remember what we said to God and to ourselves.  All I remember is that we prayed in earnest.  And we walked into that clinic under the anointing of the Holy Spirit.

I remember the embryologist coming to us after the procedure was complete, saying:  “well…the one embryo didn’t look too good, and the other one…I don’t know…but they are back in you, let’s see now what happens.”  It was out of everyone’s hands completely…it was in God’s hands alone…we’ve finally realized it.  Jesus was at the wheel.  It was not going to be by the miracle of science or by the knowledge of the physicians or by the power of money that we would get the desired outcome.  It was going to be only by the power of the Most High in accordance to His perfect will.  God uses science, and leads the hands of doctors and provides the means when the attempt follows His purpose.  Our job is just to trust, obey and wait.

And waited we did.  Once again, we waited for a phone call and a somber voice to announce yet another failure.  This time, however, the phone rang and on the other end we heard the very excited voice of a nurse telling us that we were pregnant. 

The exhilaration of the moment was matched only by the knowledge that My God is good and He is good all the time.  In His goodness, He taught me and continues to teach me that anxiety, worry and fear come from the devil who is trying to take hold of me through the areas that I haven’t fully surrendered to Christ.  But My Lord has also taught me that I have weapons to fight the attacks of the enemy.  He has given me and all who believe in Him the powerful weapon of His Word.  Diving into Scripture and memorizing short verses has become my greatest source of strength and my very best weapon against the enemy because those verses come to me like sharp double-edged swords, right when I need them. 

It is amazing, but it is true.  I remember going for tests during my pregnancy and feeling the cold chills of fear down my spine.  At moments, I would be overcome by questions like, “Is the baby OK?  Is this pregnancy really going well?  Are we really going to be able to have this baby?  Am I going to be a decent mother?”  But then, at those moments of fear, I also felt the words of God whispering in my ears… “be still and know that I am God…”(Psalm 46:10)  “The Lord is my refuge and my strength…” (Psalm 46:1)  “cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you,” (psalm 55:22) or “I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me…” for like Paul said, “This is the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, in plenty or in want, in health and in illness.”  (Philippians 4:12-13) 

He provides His Word to be used as a sword to fight the attacks of the devil, but it is up to us to use it.  I heard someone said that the Bible is not really a sword, but the armory.  This armory is full of swords, but we have to open it.  It won’t do us any good if it is closed.  The Lord has also provided other sources of strength and empowerment in Him.  He has given me the gift of discovering Christian music.  Ever since I became a Christian-music-only person, there is not a day that goes by without God not showering me with His blessings through the lyrics of the songs that He has inspired. 

This was how, Praise the Lord, 9 months later, after my very own moment with my Lord that we had Grant.  This was how, after this very encounter with the Living God, that His Holy Spirit guided us to yet another amazing journey, the journey to adoption.  It would not be for another 4 years until we would bring our son Dylan home from Guatemala, but each day had its purpose.  Today, we are immersed in the miracle of parenting these two boys our Merciful God has graciously placed under our care.  Not a day goes by that I don’t praise Him for the opportunity to be part of His will, which, if at times I don’t really understand or even like, it is always perfect and eternal. 

Bible Verse to Ponder in Anticipation to the Next Entry of A Journey to Surrender:  

   Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.    

                                   Psalm 126: 5

A Journey to Surrender – Part II

A Ray of Hope Parted the Clouds of Hopelessness…

After the miscarriage, I really felt like my mother had died all over again…and worse…I felt hopeless, empty, like a failure, like I had done something wrong that had caused the miscarriage.  It was all my fault.  If I had stayed home for the entire pregnancy maybe…if I had stayed in bed longer…If I had taken more progesterone…less estrogen….or maybe it was the doctor’s fault…I was angry too…why did God do this to us…I knew we could be good parents…why us…why not the teenage girl that has no business having kids at 14…why not people who already have 15 kids, and can’t support another one…why us…why?  I needed some time to grieve, to morn…to heal.

Time came for Dan and I to go back to the follow up appointment with the doctor. So we got to his clinic with our list of angry questions and comments.  We talked to the doctor about our concerns and all he could say was…we don’t know why miscarriages happen, but they do happen and they are nobody’s fault.  After we vented to him, we felt empty inside.  Dan and I sat there a minute in silence, not knowing what else to complain about, then the doctor spoke.  He told us:  “well, my clinic has been selected for a nation-wide study to test a new in vitro drug that is supposed to be more effective, and I needed to come out with 20 women for this study, I have 19 so far, and you qualify for the study, so I wanted to ask you if you’d be willing to try this again as part of the study…if you participate, you won’t have to pay more than a minimum amount, the rest will be free to you as a participant…”  I don’t know what else he said…I stopped listening after the word “free”…Dan and I looked at each other and I was overcome by a combination of guilt, remorse, humility and incredible gratitude.  I was so very humbled by this experience, that all I could think of was on the mysterious ways of the Lord’s providence.

Well…we did the procedure again.  We got 4 embryos and replaced 2 and put 2 in the freezer.  The two left in the freezer did not look really strong, but in they went to become popsicles.  We went through the whole thing once again and on the day of the dreaded phone call after the pregnancy test…the nurse said that we didn’t get pregnant after all…the disappointment was unbearable. 

We didn’t understand why God had put this second chance in front of us if it wasn’t going to work at all…so we decided to take a break.  By then, my father needed surgery, so I went to Panama to be with him for a month.  He ended up having prostate cancer, and once again, I couldn’t stay for the length of his radiation treatment…so I came back home burdened by this reality. 

It was about one year later from the second failure that we decided to transfer the frozen embryos for one last attempt.  This procedure is one tenth of the price of the full procedure, so we were ready for it financially.  Emotionally, however, we didn’t really have any expectations of success.  By then we had seriously started looking into adoption, so we decided to replace the frozen embryos just so they wouldn’t be left in the freezer and thus avoid that whole dilemma with frozen embryos.  And, since failure was a sure thing, we would start the adoption process after it was all over.  

Scripture to Ponder:  “But now, Lord, what do I look for? 

                         My hope is in you. Psalm 39:7 NIV

A Journey to Surrender - Part I

When Sadness Grew Roots…

There are many chapters in the book of my life that would fit under the headings of anxiety, worry and/or sadness due to my lack of surrender.   There is one in particular, however, that has and always will have a special place in my heart.  It is the beginning of my journey to adoption.  It started sometime in 1999.  My husband Dan and I had been married for 5 years, and we were told that we were not going to be able to have children the good ole fashion way.  Even though I had suspected it, I still went numb when I heard the “official pronouncement” from the doctor.  It was like having an out-of-body experience.  Our only hope to conceive was through in vitro fertilization and we could not afford it.  We decided not to make any decision at that time.  We did, however, begin to research international adoption, but soon we realized that option was even more expensive…

Needless to say, finances were our greatest concern.  A year went by and after much consideration; we decided to put our trust in God.  We figured that if it was His will for us to have biological children, that He’ll provide the means.  So we took a second mortgage on our house to pay for the cost of the treatment, and we went back to the doctor.  I started the rigorous process of shots, but had to interrupt it because at the same time that we were trying to create life here, my mother was battling cancer in Panama, my country of birth. 

It happened that one night, (I even remember that I was watching the movie Joan of Arc on video) I got a phone call from my brother (I have to tell you now, my brother is the bearer of bad news in my family…I dread his phone calls because they are NEVER EVER for something good, he never calls me for my birthday, unless he has bad news to tell me) so when I heard his voice on the phone I knew things weren’t well.  My mother had taken a turn for the worst.  My brother called me to ask me if I could go to Panama to spend some time with her and my Dad.  So I did.  I quit the procedure and spent her last 4 weeks in this earth with her.  The Lord would have it, though; that she passed away the morning after I had come back home to the States…so I wasn’t there to say that last goodbye or to attend her funeral. 

I re-started the procedure a few months later, trusting in the Lord for the finances, but trusting science for the results of the procedure…now I realize that we really didn’t think much about God being in charge of the outcome.  We trusted the doctor and that was what counted. We finished the procedure a few months later and I got my long awaited pregnancy test and yes!  I was pregnant.  Life was perfect!  This was for sure God’s will for us.  We had trusted the finances to Him, he had provided and it had worked.  We were going to have a baby…This doctor really knew what he was doing!  Only to miscarriage 5 weeks later while I was at work.  – Sadness grew deep roots in my soul.

My Little "Chocolate" Boy

So God created mankind in his own image,
   in the image of God he created them;
   male and female he created them. Genesis 1:27

“Mama, I don’t want to be chocolate.  I want to be white like everybody else,” Dylan somberly pronounced a couple of weeks ago with a frown in his face.  I have feared this moment ever since we decided to become an adoptive family, - the moment Dylan would begin to realize the differences-.  The moment seemed to be closer that day. 

I have always been concerned about not being able to provide the reassurance necessary to make him be never doubtful of his belonging to our family.  I have always worried that I wouldn’t know how to provide what he needs in order for him to realize that he is our son regardless of biology.  My concerns were put to the test that day.

 

Before this particular comment, Dylan has been mentioning here and there how his skin is “chocolate.”  Dan and I had been jokingly saying that he is chocolate because he is made of chocolate milk.  (Dylan’s passion for chocolate milk is matchless!)  But now, he was serious.  I could read a burden in his face and hear real concern in his voice.  I prayed.

To my surprise, Grant, who was “distracted” doing who knows what somewhere else, was the first one to speak, “you are different because you are special.  We are all special.  God made everyone special.”  I was stunned at how the Holy Spirit used Grant to show me the way.  No wonder Jesus tells us that the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like children. 

Truth transpired very clearly out of Grant’s mouth, for everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer.  (1 Timothy 4: 4-5)  He made it all, and everything He made is good, and because we are the handiwork of the Most High, we are infinitively special. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. (Colossians 1:16)  By His hand and by His Word we were made.  If this fact alone doesn’t make us special, I don’t know what would?

Dylan’s inquisitive stare was still on me, so I quickly reinforced Grant’s words by saying, “yes, Dylan, you are God’s child.  He made you special.  You are special and so are all of us who belong to Him.  Besides, why would you want to be the same as everyone else?  That’s boring!”  To this, Dylan’s look of concern began to soften.  Grant agreed with me wholeheartedly, “yeah, Dylan, why would you want to be the same?  That’s terrible.  It’s better to be different.”  And different we are, indeed, I thought to myself.  I added how we are all different in our own family.  How we were all born in different places (I know, New Castle and Ashtabula don’t really sound as exotic as Panama and Guatemala, but they are different : ).  We also talked about the students at NCCA and how there are many children from China, and Korea and how there are African-Americans and how everyone looks different if you really pay attention. 

Toward the end of our conversation, I wasn’t sure how Dylan really felt about the whole thing, but he let it go.  I know that we will have many moments in which we will have to deal with Dylan’s questioning of the reasons why many things are the way they are.  I pray that the Holy Spirit comes quickly to our aide when we are to respond to him and that the words out of our mouths bring a truth that offers him comfort and reassurance.

A few days later, as we were driving down to do some errands, Dylan said again, “why do I have to be chocolate?”  However, at that time, I perceived a hint of mischievousness in the tone of his voice, so I looked at him on the rear view mirror.  His eyes met mine, and his look had sparks flashing back at me, with a smile that I know all too well by now.  His face was glowing with the thrill of tricking “old Mama.”  I smiled right back at him and said, “it’s because you’re made of chocolate milk…”  He rewarded me with a belly laugh filled with satisfaction and contentment which in turn filled my heart with warmth and love for my little “chocolate boy.”

For Personal Meditation:  If your adopted child is already home, have you experienced a moment like this, when his/her awareness of being "different" becomes evident?  If your child is still not home with you or is too young to articulate any of these ideas, how do you think you'd react to his/her first comments about being "different"?

Scripture to Ponder in Your Heart:  For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. (Psalm 139:13)

My "What Was I Thinking?" Moment...

It was September 10^th when we arrived at Guatemala City International Airport.  My husband, Dan, my 4 year-old biological son, Grant, and I made our way outside the terminal only to find ourselves in the midst of hundreds of souls tightly packed together on the sidewalk.  Amidst the chaos, we finally spotted our hotel shuttle and managed to get to it under a slight rain.  We arrived at the hotel and with excitement and anticipation, spent our last evening as a family of three.

Dan was the first one to spot Dylan through the glass door of the hotel’s “baby room,” sitting on his foster mother’s lap.  We entered and the foster mother’s eyes got the shine of restrained tears as she placed Dylan in my arms.  We sat down, went through yet more paperwork, and then began to chat.  As I took frantic notes, we talked about detergent, bottles, nap time, feeding habits and other idiosyncrasies of our new son.  Time flew by and it was time to say good bye to the woman who had lovingly taken care of our baby the first 10 months of his life. 

Back in the room, the 4 of us played on the floor and realized that Dylan didn’t even know how to crawl.  Everything felt just so weird.  Dylan got restless.  “Dan get the bottles out of the suitcase.  There’s some formula in the bag the foster mother gave us.  Oh no! these diapers we brought are way too small.  Get some from the foster mother’s paper bag.  Gosh! All the clothes we brought are too small too.  Hey, how do you mix formula?  I forgot.  Get the electric kettle and boil water first.  How much formula?  Let’s give him like 8 ounces.  Grant, turn that TV down please!  I’m so hungry.  Mama, can we go to McDonald’s?  Let’s get room service.  Maybe we should give him some juice.  We don’t have any.  I think he is tired.  He might take a nap.  Should we get a crib?  Maybe if I walk him and rock him he’ll fall asleep.  Yeah…shh…he is falling asleep.  There, he is asleep.  Put some pillows around him.  I’ll go to the store to get some stuff.  It’s just around the corner.  I’m so tired.”

Evening came, and when Dylan realized that he was going to be spending the night with us, he started to cry uncontrollably, waving us bye, bye as he bawled.  “Pace him back and forth again.  That worked in the afternoon for his nap.  My back is killing me.  Hey, how about a warm bath?  Grant it’s time for you to go to sleep.  Say your prayers, “Thank you Lord for this day and for my new brother Dylan.”  Let’s give him a bath.  Where’s the baby soap?  I need a wash towel.  Where are the pajamas that fit?  Didn’t you get diapers at the store?”  As I let the water run in the tub, I looked at Dylan’s little body sitting in the warm water, so tiny, so helpless, so alone, so not my son. 

Dan stood by me watching the storm brewing in my soul, anticipating the first lightning bolt to hit, he asked me, “are you OK?”  With the echo of the running water in my ears, the shock of the last few hours, the stress of the last few months and the disappointments of the last few years came all together gushing out of my heart.  “Why did God choose us to have to do this?  Can you tell me why He didn’t give us another biological child created the good-old fashioned way?  Why does it always have to be so difficult for us?  What was I thinking?”  And so the ‘what-was-I-thinking’ face began. 

The feeling that I couldn’t give Dylan what he needed took a grip of my heart, and I was terrified.  Then, the Holy Spirit inspired Dan to tell me that he thought my feelings were only natural.  We had an emotional heart-to-heart right there on that bathroom floor in the middle of the night, at a Guatemala City hotel room, with our newly adopted son in the bathtub.  It was a strange conversation, but it was exactly what I needed at that moment.  The Holy Spirit spoke to me through Dan’s words in the middle of my breakdown, and I began to breathe again.  I got the assurance that when God calls, He enables and He provides whatever we need to complete the task He has assigned.

Today, several years from that frazzled day in Guatemala City, I can say that I am glad I said yes when the Lord called me to do this.  Dylan is my son.  Like the words in the poem “The Answer (To an Adopted Child),” he “didn’t grow below my heart, he grew inside of it.”  My heart aches when I look into his beautiful black eyes.  My cup surely overflows.  I know that it was God who placed him in my arms to love, to care for, to raise and to claim as my own.  

For Personal Meditation:  If you have already brought your adopted child home, think back on that very first day together.  Think about those first moments with your new child.  Think about it quietly and to yourself.  What was it like?

Bible Verse to Ponder:  "And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

Right Around the Corner

A few days ago I read an article online where a godly woman had fallen in love with an extravagant purse.  She became obsessed with that purse, so much so that she spent a lot of her time daydreaming about it.  One day, during her daily devotions, she heard the voice of God telling her that she could not have the purse, even if they gave it to her for free.  After I finished reading it, I realized that the article had struck a cord in me.  Not only did I recognize that God does speak to us in our every-day-mundane-experiences; but I also happen to be a “purse lady,” myself. 

Like the author of the article, God had clearly denied me some of the dearest desires of my heart; and, as the “purse lady,” I was left to longingly stare at the beloved accessory, from a distance, behind its glass case, out of my reach.  Like that purse, God had placed things, people, places and accomplishments outside the realm of the possible for me.  Like the guy I was convinced was the one and God said no, because He had the real one waiting for me just around the corner.  Like my desire for friends who live nearby, or children who obey, a husband who does what I say, an organized house, an SUV, a washer that works, a new kitchen; all no, no, no or perhaps, wait. 

Like the day when I found out that my sister in law got pregnant the good old fashion way after battling infertility for years.  Infertility was something we shared; but only until then.  That night I wrestled with God.  There she was, pregnant.  There I was, in the middle of the complications of international adoption.  There she was, praising God for the miracle.  There I was, knowing in my heart that God had said no to me again.  It was something that I knew I could not face alone. 

When day broke, exhausted and defeated, He took me in His loving arms and comforted me by giving me a peace that surpasses all understanding.  He brought me out of the darkness of disappointment into the light of hope and acceptance.  He showed me that I was right in thinking that I would not able to face this alone.  He didn’t expect me to.  He would stand next to me instead, every step of the way as my Strong Tower.  He showed me how He had something better waiting for me right around the corner; if I’d just trust Him and His perfect timing.  He told me that He would provide the perfect portion of what I needed to endure, accept and embrace the way my life was supposed to be.

Therefore, the “mythical” purse of the article is real.  It is not a silly story.  It is the story of how God is more interested in building our character than in keeping us comfortable.  That’s why, sometimes, our Lord says no for the sake of His plan; a plan that, more often than not I don’t understand; a plan that, more often than needed, I question; but a plan that, nonetheless, I accept because I know it is perfect in the end.  I just have to wait in Him.  He always has something better waiting for me…for us, right around the corner.

For Personal Meditation:  

Think of something that you thought you wanted so badly that you could not live without, which was denied to you, broke your heart, to then realize that there was something better waiting for you right around the corner.

Bible Verse to Ponder on:

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)