A Journey to Surrender - Part I

When Sadness Grew Roots…

There are many chapters in the book of my life that would fit under the headings of anxiety, worry and/or sadness due to my lack of surrender.   There is one in particular, however, that has and always will have a special place in my heart.  It is the beginning of my journey to adoption.  It started sometime in 1999.  My husband Dan and I had been married for 5 years, and we were told that we were not going to be able to have children the good ole fashion way.  Even though I had suspected it, I still went numb when I heard the “official pronouncement” from the doctor.  It was like having an out-of-body experience.  Our only hope to conceive was through in vitro fertilization and we could not afford it.  We decided not to make any decision at that time.  We did, however, begin to research international adoption, but soon we realized that option was even more expensive…

Needless to say, finances were our greatest concern.  A year went by and after much consideration; we decided to put our trust in God.  We figured that if it was His will for us to have biological children, that He’ll provide the means.  So we took a second mortgage on our house to pay for the cost of the treatment, and we went back to the doctor.  I started the rigorous process of shots, but had to interrupt it because at the same time that we were trying to create life here, my mother was battling cancer in Panama, my country of birth. 

It happened that one night, (I even remember that I was watching the movie Joan of Arc on video) I got a phone call from my brother (I have to tell you now, my brother is the bearer of bad news in my family…I dread his phone calls because they are NEVER EVER for something good, he never calls me for my birthday, unless he has bad news to tell me) so when I heard his voice on the phone I knew things weren’t well.  My mother had taken a turn for the worst.  My brother called me to ask me if I could go to Panama to spend some time with her and my Dad.  So I did.  I quit the procedure and spent her last 4 weeks in this earth with her.  The Lord would have it, though; that she passed away the morning after I had come back home to the States…so I wasn’t there to say that last goodbye or to attend her funeral. 

I re-started the procedure a few months later, trusting in the Lord for the finances, but trusting science for the results of the procedure…now I realize that we really didn’t think much about God being in charge of the outcome.  We trusted the doctor and that was what counted. We finished the procedure a few months later and I got my long awaited pregnancy test and yes!  I was pregnant.  Life was perfect!  This was for sure God’s will for us.  We had trusted the finances to Him, he had provided and it had worked.  We were going to have a baby…This doctor really knew what he was doing!  Only to miscarriage 5 weeks later while I was at work.  – Sadness grew deep roots in my soul.